The most confused my heart has ever been

These past few months have been a bit rough on my 2 1/2 (nearing 3) year relationship. These past couple weeks for sure have been the roughest.

I’d been having some questioning thoughts about the relationship a few months ago. We were long distance, we each worked at complete opposite times of the day, and we both had some differing wants and ideas for our relationship. This being my first ever relationship (we met at the beginning of senior year of high school), I figured a lot of these feelings were normal.

Being the people we are, we somewhat looked past our differences. We are both so strong and are unwilling to give up. We love each other so much.

One day, I broke down. My heart was so confused. Why am I having all these scary thoughts about not wanting to be with the only guy who’s ever been there for me? He’s the most sweet, caring, loving, and accepting person I’ve ever met.

I went over to his house, and told him what I was feeling. I caught him off guard, but I know it was the best thing I could’ve done. He didn’t deserve to be blind to my emotions. I told him to think about how he wanted to figure this out, because quite frankly, I didn’t want to waste either one of our time.

After a few days of both of us thinking on our own, I honestly could not see any way the relationship could be saved on my end. I just didn’t feel the same anymore. It’s not that I didn’t love him, because I do. It was just that every time I thought about the perfect girl for him, it wasn’t me. It was someone more reserved, someone who could respect his space better than me, someone who understands why he doesn’t like making plans for the future, and someone who can share his love for video games. As much as I’d love to be that person for him, it’s not me. We are just so different, and it really sucks. I know a relationship is about sacrifices, but when your personalities are so different, sometimes it feels like your sacrificing so much that you aren’t you anymore.

My thoughts were going crazy and I originally was planning on seeing if anything changed in the next month, but a few days after talking with him, I knew I had to end it as soon as possible. I was going to do it yesterday evening, but he actually reached out first and called me in the afternoon. I knew it wasn’t going to be good, he never ever calls. At the same time, I almost felt relieved because I thought maybe he realized my feelings were right and that he agreed. Which he did.

He told me he didn’t like the way our relationship was heading. He didn’t like that we both weren’t fully happy being together. I cried a lot. I cried more when he would say a thought and I’d feel exactly the same. I cried even more when I’d say a thought and he agreed. It felt good to be on the same page, I didn’t feel so alone. My worst fear in that moment was that he wouldn’t want to talk to me again. Maybe it would be too much.

But then he said, “But Hannah, you’re my best friend.”

I couldn’t even speak because I was crying so much. Happy crying/sad crying. He’s my best friend too. We decided that we are much better as friends than we are a couple. We still want to hang out with each other and talk. I couldn’t be happier with this outcome. Considering the upsetting and confusing situation, in my mind, this is the best thing that could’ve happened.

I’m still a bit emotional, so I’m taking a few days to just get used to the idea of him not being my boyfriend anymore. Hopefully I’ll get myself together soon. I know this is the best thing for us, so I’m happy and excited for the future, but obviously this is just a really hard place to be in general. We’ve helped each other with so much and we’ve genuinely enjoyed all the time we’ve ever spent together. We have absolutely no regrets.

I guess this post is here because sometimes, your feelings will be confusing. Your heart will have no idea what to do. Try really hard to dig down deep and listen to what’s it’s telling you. If you have any doubts or questions, try to get to the source. You deserve 100% happiness. And just because someone doesn’t make you 100% happy doesn’t mean they are a bad person, it might just mean they aren’t your person.

-Hannah

 

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5 thoughts on “The most confused my heart has ever been

  1. Aw bb I’m sorry): that’s hard to go through but it sounds like you did the right thing for you and him. I get you and how confusing your heart can get. Everyone can fall in love but no one talks about how you fall out of it, especially when it’s your first time like this): I wish you guys the best and I’m glad you both decided to stay friends.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This post is amazing! It really spoke to me! It’s a horrible thing you’re going through, but it sounds like it was the best for both of you. It’s amazing that you’ve decided to remain friends amongst all of that.
    Thanks so much for sharing Hannah ❤️⭐️

    Liked by 1 person

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